


Five Things

by shyfoxling



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family, Friendship, Gen, Gen Fic, Humor, M/M, Multi, Sexual Content, Sexual Fantasy, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-16
Updated: 2009-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-14 16:43:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/151347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shyfoxling/pseuds/shyfoxling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Assorted responses to a "five things that..." prompt meme. Ship content is pretty mild, mostly just mentions and people having naughty thoughts about one another rather than descriptions of people actually together. "Mature" is the maximum rating; several chapters are "General Audiences".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 4 Every Flavor Beans flavors that Dumbledore hates and 1 that he loves

1\. Lemon custard. Ariana always was very fond of the stuff.

2\. Mown grass. Not only is he not a cow, but it is sometimes a bit difficult to convince people of the truth of one's vast stores of mysterious wisdom while sporting lips and a tongue that look like a ripe lime. A reputation for eccentric brilliance only goes so far.

3\. Candied violet. Gellert had once presented him with a small box of the real sort, smartly done up in silver paper and tied with a thin purple ribbon. He'd mentioned idly with a subtle wink that a curious piece of Muggle folklore considered it an infallible love charm.

4\. Salt and vinegar. "Hate" might be a strong word, though; more like "irritation". He can never manage to find the fish-and-chip-flavoured ones to go with.

5\. Christmas pudding. He especially likes to top a real Christmas pudding with some of these and then smother it in brandy before setting the whole thing on brilliant pink fire. A thing worth doing is worth overdoing, after all, especially at Christmas.


	2. 5 reasons Albus Dumbledore and Rubeus Hagrid will never travel on vacation together again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: contains very bad attempt at writing Hagrid's accent.

1\. Rubeus's bathroom habits. I advise you not to inquire further.

2\. Professor Dumbledore's, er, washin' 'abits. Yeh don' wan' ter know.

3\. Whilst I applaud Hagrid's enthusiasm, in retrospect the safari was a mistake.

4\. Sometimes I think the Professor doesn' want me to expand me understandin' of me own subject. How am I supposed to teach anythin' without, yeh know, live examples? 'E wouldn'-a hurt no one, tha' friendly little bugger.

5\. Can't risk a repeat of The Racquetball Court Incident.


	3. 5 things that get Regulus Black aroused

1\. Fingers brushing against the upper inside of his thigh or the small of his back. If for some reason he wasn't already in an aroused state (given the prior intimacy which such touches imply), these will take him there in short order.

2\. The sound of Severus's voice. So many modes of it can make him shiver, from _Oho, now I've got you right where I want you_ to soft sadness to rare and quiet laughter. Regulus would love to hear that voice in cry of ecstasy or song, except for fear that he might perish from the joy.

3\. Pretty girls and pretty boys, he's not that much particular, although he tilts some to the latter. He adores the sight of beauty, and it's funny how it can get him partly hard without him feeling like he wants or needs to do too much about it. In such case he just enjoys the feeling of arousal for itself.

4\. Soft, exquisite kisses, much more so than firm ones. Hard ones will do once well-involved in passion, but as an opening play, he much prefers to be approached with gentleness. The right technique can have him raging hard in moments, and wonderfully, a certain other Slytherin seems to possess the proper instinct.

5\. Being wrapped in arms and legs and pressed against another's body in a space or bed just this much too small to comfortably take both, so every motion, even breathing, brushes skin on skin, and you can hardly keep from kissing everywhere your mouths will reach.


	4. 5 things that Severus Snape wanks to

1\. Red hair. Not with green eyes, mind; not with any eyes in particular, actually, because he can't see them. Just the red hair, soft between his fingers, seen from above the crown of the head as its owner's mouth slides hotly, slickly back and forth around his cock.

2\. Sirius Black. Even as a post-Azkaban ruin, Severus can think of fewer quick-fixing recipes for a satisfying self-provided orgasm than the idea of Sirius Black bent over some convenient piece of furniture and yelping or groaning with each of Severus's thrusts. (And now that I've told you, he'll have to kill you. And me.)

3\. Regulus and Lily and himself all together at once. There's no green eyes in this one, either, because here they're constantly closed in pleasure. Some part of him wonders if it's actually that he can't bring himself to look into them, if even in his own fantasies they would condemn him for all and everything.

4\. Narcissa. He considers this one of his dirtier and more juvenile secrets, not because he _really_ wants her (...much), but because he usually has her moaning about how much better he is than Lucius.

5\. He is lying on something of deep crimson hue, providing the redness his lips do not to complete the old story's triad: hair as black as ebony, skin as fair as snow, lips as red as blood. Someone is there in the room with him, someone who can see him and hear him but not touch him. They watch and whimper and cannot help but touch themselves as he leans back and strokes his length, tosses back his dark head and exposes his throat in the throes of his own pleasure. He feels the heat of their desire, but knows that they can do nothing, that he is the one in power, and he glories in the feeling of their impossible lust for him.


	5. 5 things Severus Snape does only when he's absolutely certain that he's alone and unobserved that he would be mortified if word got out about.

1\. Brooding.

Don't you make that "old news" face at me. You only _think_ you've seen him brooding, apprentice. O, how little you truly know of it! What you have glimpsed was merely light pondering, or if you were fortunate in your timing and commendably sneaky in your technique of ~~spying~~ observation, perhaps a spot of moody introspection.

No. We are speaking here of something that borders on its own occult phenomenon. Only when truly, silently, deathly alone will he give in to this urge which he regards as contemptible in its self-indulgence, disgusting in its pathos and weakness, and, worst of all, which plays into a stereotype without actually giving him any kickback he can bend to his advantage (unlike all the swooping and stalking and sneering).

Ah, I see in your eyes that the light has dawned – or should I say the darkness has settled? Indeed, indeed...

 

2\. Bathing. You'd think this would be a quite common thing to hope to do unobserved, and you'd be right. But our Severus is a sensitive sort and takes extra precautions in this matter, lest anyone see his funny knees or the scars on his back, or, blackest horror of horrors, catch a whisper of his humming "London Calling" or "Boys Don't Cry" under his breath as he strokes the soapy flannel over his skin. (Very, very far under his breath. Just in case.)

 

3\. Leisure reading. That is, leisure reading of, ah, _a certain type_.

No, I am not talking about _adult publications_ (for the discerning witch or wizard). Just what do you take him for?

What I mean is – well. What would _you_ do if you confiscated as many comic books in a year as he does?

(Also: while I tend to agree, your earlier response of "a lonely, randy sort of bastard" was not required. To be turned in to me tomorrow, one foot of parchment on the definition and uses of the term "rhetorical question".)

 

4\. Practicing handwriting. No, this is not a Christian-schoolboy side-effect of the vicar-like getup he often wears. Nor does he fancy himself a monk in a scriptorium, although he'd admit the image has its appeal in the rare moments that his hand is not cramping from correcting seven year-levels' worth of essays.

(Sometimes he wonders whether he should set less homework, but then he comes to his senses. Everyone needs something to complain about; so, as he sees it, he's providing a valuable service. And, why, if a few of them managed to pick up some morsels of knowledge thereby, he would count himself ever so blessed.)

No, it is neither of these things. In fact, it is another facet of his "professor's face", a habit developed at a time in his youth when he had to be as hard and scary as possible if he was to keep any control at all. His handwriting, like many other things, is a natural tendency purposely amplified for maximum effect, something he practices and practices so as to keep the performance consistent, without realizing he might not need to anymore.

Severus is not very good at letting things go, you see.

 

5\. Painting. Not with pigment and canvas; we speak here of painting with light, with magic. _Lumos_ is far more flexible than you might expect in the hands of a lesser wizard, and you are vastly mistaken if you think Severus's spell-invention stopped with the bloody terror of _Sectumsempra_.

Severus, of course, is embarrassed as hell that such a frivolous and _pretty_ pastime can give him so much joy; yet in that secret, unnamed hour that lurks somewhere between midnight and dawn, he always finds himself giving in. Always.


	6. 5 things Severus is No Longer Allowed To Do at Hogwarts, in the words of five other professors of Defence Against the Dark Arts (A.K.A. "Snarky's List")

**1\. Quirinus "Quirrelmort" Quirrell's Law:**   
N-n-no longer a-low-low-ed to thuh-thuh-thwart me. A-and n-not uh-allowed t-to have muh-my t-teaching p-p-post.

 **2\. Gilderoy Lockhart's Glorious Law:**   
No longer allowed to adulterate my pomade with any kind of creepy slime from one of those jars he keeps in his office. No, not even that dodgy stuff I brought back from my last holiday in Greece, er, ah, that is to say, my last... valiant sojourn! Yes! To the rocky wilds of ancient Mediterranean lands! To seek out the last and the foulest of Typhon and Echidna's horrific offspring and bring them to their final end! Also, not allowed to dodge my Memory Charms. Really, how rude is that? Can you imagine? I certainly wouldn't allow him to have my teaching post.

 **3\. Remus Lupin's Law, Or, Well, More of a Common-Sense Rule Really, Let's Be Reasonable About This:**   
No longer allowed to hint at, bring up, discuss, harp on, or belabour points about events that may or may not have transpired during our fifth year and which may or may not have involved any so-called Shrieking Shacks, Whomping Willows, or James Potters. Honestly, it was nearly twenty years ago. Well, he's still not allowed to have my teaching post, Wolfsbane or no Wolfsbane.

 **4. ~~Bartemius Crouch~~ Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, Really!'s Law:**  
No longer allowed to thwart me, the sneaking deserter! Devoted to the Dark Lord, indeed! I'd roast and eat my own house-elf before I'd let him have my teaching post!

 **5\. Headmistress Senior Undersecretary Dolores Jane Umbridge's Educational Decree Number Thirty:**   
No longer allowed to provide the rightfully appointed agent of the Ministry with false Veritaserum, nor to make fraudulent claims about his inability to deal with rogue fireworks loosed by horrible redheaded students. And no longer allowed to mock my interior decoration choices! I don't bother him about his, now do I? No, I am a sensible and polite woman who was properly raised. Clearly _his_ upbringing was lacking, or his blood-line, or perhaps both. Absolutely not worthy of my teaching post, nor his neither, if you ask me, and I daresay mine is the opinion which counts.

 _bonus!_   
**6\. Severus Snape's Law:**  
No longer allowed to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts, it seems. Well, you know what? Fuck it, and fuck Dumbledore, and fuck all the rest of you and the hippogriffs that you flew in on – or should I say, that you keep illegally. But don't worry. I shall be back, and you are _not_ going to like it.


	7. 5 things in Sirius Black's closet (or drawers, or wherever he keeps his clothes and stuff)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The slightly odd chapter title is the verbatim prompt from nehalenia.

1\. No dress robes. In fact, screw robes, full stop, most of the time; jeans and t-shirts all the way when he can get away with it, especially ones with clever pictures or smart-arsed slogans on. If he really needs something fancy for something important, like James's wedding, he can always Transfigure it.

2\. Speaking of jeans and t-shirts, there's a higgledy-piggledy pile of them in there. Hey, bachelors have been using the system since caveman days, and far be it from Sirius to buck tradition! (The only fur coat he owns is not really one he can hang up, anyway.)

3\. A smooth, flat stone about two inches across, grey in colour and flecked, unusually, with blue and gold specks, that Regulus gave him once a long time ago when they were still real brothers.

Sirius had just turned eight, and while they were out lazing around in the garden on an unusually clear and pleasant (if cool) day in early November, little Reg was whinging yet again about not being able to give him a birthday present that was just from him, no, really, it wasn't at all the same when Mother and Father said they would help him buy whatever he liked for his brother.

Sirius had sighed and closed his eyes and was just about to roll over in the grass and tell him once more to stop being such a little girl about it and it wasn't like he cared very much about that sort of stuff anyway when the stone, tossed from behind him where he couldn't see, landed with a firm _pat_ on his stomach.

He was momentarily startled by the exactness of the throw, but was nevertheless about to tell Regulus a thing or two about throwing rocks at his _older_ brother who had just had a _birthday_ thank you very much when he noticed the stone's strange colouring.

"Reg?"

No answer. Sirius stared at the stone on his belly, slightly cross-eyed.

"Where did you get this?"

He could hear Regulus ruffling the grass rhythmically with his hand, probably considering his answer.

"Found it. Here."

"What, just like this?"

Another pause, somehow both embarrassed and smug.

"No. I guess I made it. I found it and I liked it, but I wanted it to be better, and it did that."

Sirius smiled. "It's great, Reg."

Regulus didn't say anything, but he ruffled the grass a little faster, in a pleased sort of way.

Sirius just let the stone lie there and soak up the sun.

He can still feel the warmth when he touches it.

4\. A small collection of _*snicker*_ personal clothing items _*snicker*_ liberated from certain Slytherins. There are, of course, the routine brassieres and boxers, socks and slips, and even a girdle acquired from one plump young lady. However, he has two real prize pieces.

The first was a difficult catch since Sirius and James were merely second-years at the time they purloined it; crafty and resourceful second-years, to be sure, but second-years nonetheless. Still, youth and treachery prevailed over old age and skill, and they were able to claim a single sock garter which he has every reason to believe belonged to that stuffed shirt Lucius Malfoy.

The second, and better (or worse, depending on how one looks at these things), is a pair of greyish pants that are certified twins of a certain pair he once saw beneath a certain beech tree, hanging upside down on a certain skinny-legged body that was busy doing just the same thing at the time. (It has since slightly disturbed Sirius to discover that they seem to be about his own size.)

5\. Two bottles of single-malt Scotch and one of some red wine all the way from _California_ that he's saving for a really special occasion. To keep the bottles safe from his urges until a time of the most dire celebratory need, they are not simply _in_ the closet, but actually underneath the aforementioned underwear pile. He reckons he'll be reluctant to dig through _that_ merely to get to them. (No, of course he doesn't usually _touch_ it. It's enough to know that it all exists, thank you. He doesn't need to catalog it fortnightly like some sad-act pervert!)

 **bonus!**  
6\. His cock and bollocks. What else did you expect him to keep in his _drawers?_

What do you mean, "he doesn't keep them in there very well"? What sort of a remark is that? Hey, you, come back here, hey—!


	8. 5 things Lily did with Severus that she would never do with James.

1\. Threw the occasional game of... whatever.

Severus was usually a gracious if slightly smug winner, and she liked seeing him pleased with himself for a little while. With James, it's just too damn satisfying to be able to take him down a few pegs, no matter what the contest.

2\. Went on a winter picnic of leftover Christmas turkey and mince pies.

Severus saved the morsels from the Hogwarts feast and surprised Lily by bringing the parcel along when she suggested a bracing, chilly stroll a few days later. While seated on the conveniently warmed and waterproofed blanket (which looked suspiciously like Slytherin dormitory standard-issue) and nibbling the nosh, she complained good-naturedly that the turkey was a bit dry as leftovers and hadn't he brought any gravy or anything?

Severus pressed his lips together and screwed up an eye in thought, and soon startled them both by suddenly producing a stream of bread sauce from his wand. They scuttled towards each other, away from the splash in the mud, and he opened his mouth to apologize, but he closed it again and then quirked it into a shy smile as Lily laughed and laughed and laughed.

Somehow she doesn't want to muddle that one with a memory of James.

3\. Washed his hair.

This has nothing to do with Severus's hygienic habits in relation to his genetics; no, it's as simple as tree sap.

Before they knew a thing about how magic could be employed to remove a blob of resin from one's hair, Lily had once done her best to help Sev get out a sticky lump after an unfortunate encounter up a spooky-looking pine tree. It had taken some scrubbing with laundry soap, but eventually the gluey stuff mostly gave way.

James, you see, neither wears his hair long nor climbs scraggly pine trees, so he never gets golden tree sap in his black, black hair.

4\. Discussed the finer points of anything academic. It's just... not how James is. In fact, there are things he's done that she doesn't even _want_ to know how they were achieved.

5\. Had a threesome with Sirius. ('Nuff said.)


	9. 5 Things Lily did with Severus that she would never do with James

1\. Threw the occasional game of... whatever.

Severus was usually a gracious if slightly smug winner, and she liked seeing him pleased with himself for a little while. With James, it's just too damn satisfying to be able to take him down a few pegs, no matter what the contest.

2\. Went on a winter picnic of leftover Christmas turkey and mince pies.

Severus saved the morsels from the Hogwarts feast and surprised Lily by bringing the parcel along when she suggested a bracing, chilly stroll a few days later. While seated on the conveniently warmed and waterproofed blanket (which looked suspiciously like Slytherin dormitory standard-issue) and nibbling the nosh, she complained good-naturedly that the turkey was a bit dry as leftovers and hadn't he brought any gravy or anything?

Severus pressed his lips together and screwed up an eye in thought, and soon startled them both by suddenly producing a stream of bread sauce from his wand. They scuttled towards each other, away from the splash in the mud, and he opened his mouth to apologize, but he closed it again and then quirked it into a shy smile as Lily laughed and laughed and laughed.

Somehow she doesn't want to muddle that one with a memory of James.

3\. Washed his hair.

This has nothing to do with Severus's hygienic habits in relation to his genetics; no, it's as simple as tree sap.

Before they knew a thing about how magic could be employed to remove a blob of resin from one's hair, Lily had once done her best to help Sev get out a sticky lump after an unfortunate encounter up a spooky-looking pine tree. It had taken some scrubbing with laundry soap, but eventually the gluey stuff mostly gave way.

James, you see, neither wears his hair long nor climbs scraggly pine trees, so he never gets golden tree sap in his black, black hair.

4\. Discussed the finer points of anything academic. It's just... not how James is. In fact, there are things he's done that she doesn't even _want_ to know how they were achieved.

5\. Had a threesome with Sirius. ('Nuff said.)


End file.
